the beginning was really just the end...

The past few weeks have been an awakening of one event after another.  I found a sanctuary, an actual place to channel my true happiness.  There was a dock of sorts, cold frigid air in what should be a warm gentle breeze and a long overdue set of smiles that I personally found to be very enlightening.  What amazes me the most is what seems to be the mutual understanding of pain.  Knowing you are tired of the same old destruction.  Over time one gets tired of the drama, un-listening ears and judgments of others who have no idea as to who you are.  All of this has pushed me to appreciate kindness, eye contact and joy of knowing that lightning can strike twice in the same heart.

 
You look at me like no one ever has ever looked at me before and when you smile your blue eyes sparkle like the sun hitting a pond on a clear summer day… I feel intoxicated as I watch you smile, I am lost and I don’t know which way to turn, the sound of your voice echoes inside my head… I feel as though I’m on an express train and I’m missing the scenery, I want to go slow and relish in the moments we spend together…a smile crosses my face at the very thought of you, yet fear whispers in my heart, for the downside of an easy smile is the fact that you could just as easily cause tears of heartache…I want to turn and run away from you but like a magnet I am drown to you..How is it that I miss you after such a short time? Why does my heart ache at your absence? And I wonder if you alone were sent to make me whole?

I see far and wide the expectations, but this time I have none.  I swore an oath and now it seems I am weaker than I first thought.  I strive everyday to find the happiness in myself that you awaken with your very presence.  I don’t know what to say, I am steadfast and persistent but patient and meek at the same time.  I think of a renewed pain, I dream of love.  Oh how easily I could drift away without even noticing.  I am careful not to allow myself to be emotionally overwhelmed, listening only to my stubborn way of thinking.  Yet I feel this is so easy, no one has ever made me feel this way.  I choose to trust you and that makes me alive this morning with a new yearning and belief. With clarity and vision I know we could take this to great places and I am at peace….


I feel as though I am looking at the world with different eyes, there is a certain giddiness inside me that makes me want to take this as far as it will go… I want to experience the joy of new things with you, happiness is spreading throughout me and I feel alive for the first time in years…as I swing thru the air in a state of natural intoxication I feel free, you look thru my walls of insecurity as though they are glass and this amazes and thrills me… I am happy and for that I am thankful…

There is definitely something weird going on between us…I awoke today, from a deep sleep. For the first time in a long time I got up with no worried or stress just peace.  I believe this was meant to happen, I know I am seeing more than most, but eyes are just as fond of you as my heart is becoming.  Though I am considerate I still feel selfish, I want this for me. I am slow to show you my love, reluctant to fall, but strong in my pursuit of you, with a desire to better not only you but myself as well.  I have been so far in the dark for so long but the road is now filled with light, every word seems to be a melody only in my head…

Without knowing it you seem to challenge me to be a better person I hold steadfast in my faith that this is real…you say you are selfish, yet you patiently wait for me…I ponder the power of your touch.. as your lips brush across mine, I hunger for more… with time being the enemy to my body yet a friend to my soul… you could have had a part of me, yet you chose to wait for all of me, why is this? What do you see?...

I feel like such a fool!!! I am torn for I know not what is true, the happiness has faded, I will myself not to cry for if I pretend you mean nothing to me I can shield myself from this pain… I thought you wanted me yet rejection is taking its toll, the images of you with another torment my head and rip into my heart…I am embarrassed at the fool I have made of myself; shall I ever know true happiness? Or has my time already passed.  All I wanted was to be happy and make you happy in return…I didn’t ask for you, I was content with my life when you found me – I believed your words, I trusted your heart – thinking, dreaming destiny had been found together… I hate being weak and to love is a weakness…my emotions are mixed and my thoughts unclear – my heart aches for the pain I see in your eyes is a mirror to my own… yet, I think you have caused your own pain, the smile has left your face and I weep for both of us, and for what might have been.. All I can pray is “Please God take this pain away and bring back the peace of yesterday, for I am broken once again..”

I write this with hesitation and fear for I know not what you are thinking… I don’t know what we had nor do I know what the future holds – but I know when I look inside myself I don’t want to be without you…our time together has just begun and there is so much more I want to learn and experience with you… I feel that there is something here and I don’t want to let it go.. I want more than anything to be looking into your eyes right now, I want you to hold me until I feel safe in your arms again – and above all else I want both of us to smile again…